A week and a bit...

Well its 12 days since my op and I'm progressing well. My wounds are nearly healed up, though still a bit bruised, my terrible post op wind has dissipated and for that alone I am eternally grateful! and I'm going back to see the surgeon later today.
I've only been eating a liquid diet since the op and have lost a stone and a half since I started the pre op diet, so I'm feeling very pleased and even got into some clothes previously too tight!

I should try not to underestimate how tierd I get doing almost nothing though. I cleared out my airing cupboard this morning to find a pair of jeans I wanted, I was knackered!! and later I'm venturing to the shops to meet my friends and their babies...I think I'll sleep tonight!

Though its still a bit sore and I cant yet sleep on my side, I have to say I'm feeling very positive and in a good mood, after all it only really hurts when I laugh, cough and sneeze, so all colds aside, I will have to keep the jokes to a minimum!

Home

Well I'm home!!
I came home Friday about lunch time and am feeling tired, sore but all in all not too bad at the moment!
The staff at Benenden Hospital were fantastic and I would recommend them to anyone having an op. They were professional and kind and looked after me very well, along with the other ladies in my bay.
I met another lady who had this procedure an hour after mine and it was nice to share the journey with her. We are keeping in touch to compare notes.
The incision pain is bearable with the pain relief they give you to take home. but the wind pain is very painful at times!
This is most defiantly NOT an easy option, so for anyone out there who thinks it is, forget it.
However, its my answer and I'm now on my road to a new me, so right now I'm off for a little and very slow stroll around the garden and half a tea cup of yop! mmmmmm

D Day

Well its D Day and I'm waiting to go to hospital for the op. I've had nothing to eat since dinner last night and have had sips of water which I can have until a couple of hours before the event!
I'm all packed and just want it over with, I'm feeling a bit in limbo and treading water. There's nothing for me to keep busy doing and I am hoping not to be far down the list today as sitting about twiddling my thumbs is not a happy prospect.
Fingers crossed all goes well and I'll be back blogging ASAP. x

Nearly here

Well it's the night before and all my housework is done, my over night bag is packed and I feel a bit like I do before going on Holiday!
I'm full of anticipation, not excitement but trepidation and nerves. Even working in the business I still get the same nerves and anxieties that everyone gets and am worried about the anaesthetic, post op pain, sickness etc etc.
Right now though, I just want it over, so I can get along and deal with it. I feel I have waited enough and just want to get the operation done and dusted so I can focus on the next stage.
I'm due in hospital at midday and the operating list runs between 2 and 8 pm, I have everything crossed that its not an 8 o'clock op...
Family and friends have been lovely and strange in equal measure! I have had some lovely good luck cards and messages and others don't seem to be bothered at all! I suppose its such a big event in my life, but not in other peoples life and I should accept that not everyone thinks about people and their feelings the way I do. Still it hurts a bit.
So here I sit, waiting to have my last supper, mind whirling with thoughts about tonight, tomorrow and forever.
I so want this to be the answer I've been looking for, I need this to be the key to a fitter healthier me, I desperately want children and a healthy future with my family.
So keep your fingers, toes and if necessary eyes crossed that it all goes well and I'll be back with an update soon. xx

Pre assessment

I had my pre-assessment yesterday, it went very well I think! I had blood tests, ECG, height, weight, chat with a pharmacist and the anaesthetist.

The anaesthetist thought as I have no health problems ( other than obesity) he didn't need to do an echocardiogram, so I took that as a sign that I am fit enough to face surgery.
I am getting apprehensive about the op next week and going to pre-assessment answered questions but also revealed more of what I must face after the op.

The pharmacist went through the list of medication I will come home with: 3 types of pain relief, 2 laxatives, 2 indigestion remedies and a host of protein drinks!!
This op is in NO way an easy option and it will be at least 2 months until I'm eating anything like 'normal' textured foods. So at this point I am holding on to the bigger picture, looking past the immediate future of the operation, post op discomfort, potential problems and eating baby food! I'm holding on to loosing this weight, feeling better, having more energy, less joint aching and perhaps, just perhaps the chance to improve my PCOS and become a mother...now that's a future to look forward to!!

Feeling pleased

128.8kg! its still A LOT, but its less than I have weighed in at least a year....so the ole pre op diet is working.
I've been following the dietitians menu for 2 weeks, at times its been tough but I have a week and 3 days to go until the big day, so I'm sticking firm.

I had my MRSA swabs taken before my pre-op assessment and felt great relief that they came back negative. Working in health care I am at a greater risk of carrying this bug and it would be one of the only things to stop me getting my surgery, but it's clear. One less hurdle to cross.

I have pre-op assessment this week and am on annual leave from work as of next week, the op is the 11th, so not long to go now, the real count down has begun!

The beginning

On Monday I started my pre op diet. I weighed myself and weighed in at 132.2kg which means that since I started this journey I have lost a few pounds however I looked at the scales and thought 'this is it, all things being well, I will never see that weight again'.
That was a very powerful feeling.
When I sit and think about the future, it is scary and exciting in equal measure. I have fear about the operation of course but I also have fear of change.
Being fat is what I am, it's who I am and has been my whole life, being fat defines me, how I react to others and how others react to me. The easy path is to stay as I am, to stay fat and in my comfort zone, the hard path is to loose weight and change everything....

Count down

I'm now on a count down!
Yesterday I got my confirmation in the mail that I'm having my op in a little under 4 weeks, so I'm counting down.
I've been to the chemist and bought my antiseptic wash and mouthwash, ready to scrub away any possible MRSA bugs that I may have lurking, as I don't want to get to my pre assessment swabs and be told I can't have the op cos I have the bug!
The Husband is off shopping tomorrow, with my pre op diet in hand to prepare for the low fat, low carb diet my nice antipodean dietitian has prescribed.
So I'm feeling quite positive and just a tiny bit petrified!
The thought of what happens after the op and how I'm going to feel is so way beyond where my brain can go right now, that when people ask " are you excited?" I find it hard to say yes.
I'm not excited about having an operation, having a general anaesthetic and spending a few weeks sore and recovering! I'm also not excited that I have to re-learn how and what to eat, that I have to remember to sip water slowly and at some point will have to stop drinking any fluid when I eat...it's going to be hard.
What I am excited about is my long term future and all the possibilities this surgery will open up for me....the chance to have a family, being less likely to need hip and knee replacements in the next 10 years, enjoying holidays and spending time with my family and friends without fear of being in places that are not fat friendly!
Simply being able to live my life and enjoy my life will give me all the excitement I need.

Bored

I am bored. What an admission for a grown woman to make and one that brings to mind a stroppy teenager with floppy hair, spots and attitude!
But there it is, I am bored.
The bottom line of this boredom is that I am eating and eating and eating, mostly anything I can get my hands on...so as you can imagine, this is not good for the diet and does not bode well for post op when eating cos I'm bored is not an option.
What am I going to do then???

Its not like my life isn't full of stuff like work, work and oh yeah, work. Be it paid work or housework I seem to work and sleep, eat and work and sleep. Its hum drum and dull.

So what am I doing about it? well not a lot at the moment only moaning a lot to anyone willing to listen..i.e. you and the husband mostly, but I am thinking about doing something about it, and I guess that's a positive step?

I don't do much outside of work because I'm scared. Scared of new places, places that are not safe, that I don't know, that may not be 'fat friendly'. I'm scared of new people, people who will judge me, criticize me and make me feel bad. My self confidence is at an all time low and the result is that I am becoming insular, one dimensional and bored.

I am thinking about my future life, how I might feel and hoping that along with dropping weight, I will gain in confidence and find the strength to go out into the world and do stuff, see stuff and experience a bit of life, that doesn't involve hiding behind the husband or relying on old and trusted friends!

The possibilities are endless, but the truth is, that here and now, they also seem far, far away.
So in a bid to pull myself from this slump, I'm going to surf the web for local groups that I think may interest me and even if I cant find the courage to join any of them today, I'll keep them in my favourites until I do!

Mourning

Sounds dramatic I know, but in a way I'm facing the loss of an old friend, a good and reliable friend, but also a somewhat septic, insidious friend, who is always there for you in the tough times or the good times, but one who brings you down, undermines your confidence and slowly, slowly takes over your life......Food.

Whilst walking to work the other day, it suddenly occurred to me that very shortly I will be without this mainstay, my bolt hole on a bad day, my comfort blanket and I felt bereft!

I was shocked at this revelation, I have been thinking just how much food and eating means to me, and whilst I wont be giving up food forever (!!) the change in my diet, the way I eat and how, when and where is going to be huge. Can I cope? that's my main worry right now.

I know that if I fail to stick with my eating plan before the op, I'm putting myself in a lot of danger, having an enlarged liver to shift out the way is not fun for any surgeon fitting a band.
But after? I've been told if I don't stick with the plan, the band is more likely to slip, causing problems....therefore I'm aiming to stay on the straight and narrow.
So I'm going to be losing my two faced friend, thinking about it though, will that be such a bad thing after all??
No more dancing to her tune, no more being controlled by this domineering entity with its siren call when you're feeling down....in fact, cutting loose from this mistress of want and living a life not dominated by her could well be very liberating indeed...
I will dance my own dance and control my own destiny with out the 'help' of my old friend and what exciting prospects lay ahead?? well I guess that's half the adventure, finding ways to cast her aside will be fun and entertaining...at least that's the plan!

Hot weather blues.

Hot weather, at last...lovely.
Well, not lovely really. Only lovely if you don't have to move from in front of a fan whilst sipping ice water! and certainly not lovely when you are carrying about 10 extra stones on your back and trying to continue to live a 'normal' life!!
I always seem to forget until we have hot weather, just how uncomfortable I find living and working with a bit of heat.
Long gone are the days of my wearing skirts or dresses, as my thighs rub together mercilessly and chaff like nothing on earth...having them crack and bleed was the worst summer I spent!
Wearing tights or 'comfort shorts' doesn't ease the problem either as I seem to get nylon burn instead.
So trousers it is, as of course shorts for me are out of the question, my knees and calf's are so big and pasty that protruding from a pair of shorts they may get mistaken for the worlds largest bratwurst sausages and BBQ'd to feed the 5000!
I have now found that linen trousers keep you pretty cool and Ann Harvey do a few lovely pairs that even fit well ( gasp!) so I can remain covered and cool at the same time...but that's the point really, I don't want to spend the rest of my days covered head to toe, dousing many areas with talc to avoid the rub and not venturing far because of shear heat exhaustion...I want to wear strappy tops and shorts, I want to go swimming and not feel like every one is looking just at me and wondering where they do such big swimming costumes, I want a normal life and a normal summer....so roll on next year and fingers crossed, my first summer as a lighter person!

Strange

In a funny way, my pre-op diet can't come quickly enough...I'm sitting here typing this with terrible acid indigestion and I know full well that this is purely due to eating Chinese food and lots of it. In hindsight I have no idea why we ordered so much, let alone why I ate so much!

Today has been an example of how a lack of planning can affect the way we eat, nothing worth eating in the house led directly to gorging on greasy food instead of getting off my arse and going shopping, though in fairness The Husband has also been suffering from a distinct lack of get up and go, which means we are both in need of the zantac.

One positive of this day of lethargy has been the discovery of a web site dedicated to weight loss surgery : http://www.wlsinfo.org.uk
Which has proven very helpful in answering some of my questions about the op etc.

Another issue I'm facing is that today I started metformin for my PCOS, it's supposed to help with keeping my hormones under control and blood sugars more regular...there's also some evidence to suggest it leads to weight loss, however, as with all good things, there has to be a catch....it can cause gastric issues. Not I might add those of an upper GI nature but more closely associated with the bowels....great.

So, on top of the heartburn, I could well be facing several trips to the flushing place....still at least it gives me time to write my shopping list, what do I need now?
mmmmm, errrr, zantac & loo roll at the very least...

Dietitian

The husband and I turned up once again to the well thought of hospital and waited to meet the Dietitian, who will help me to alter my life and lifestyle forever and who will play a huge role in re-educating me in how to eat!

K- the Dietitian is a tall, slim young woman with a slight antipodean twang to her voice and a friendly face. She asked questions and made notes, listened intently and empathised with my tales of dieting woe. In fact she fairly exploded when I told her one of my main concerns was how I was going to find the time to eat lunch, when quite often I don't even get a lunch break..that after all is typical within the NHS!

Our discussion has highlighted to me that far from eating too much food, I eat too little and not often enough, though of course I tend to eat the wrong types of food and both the Husband and I are guilty of not planing well enough and grabbing rubbish for convenience.
Talking through my thoughts and feelings regarding food was interesting and I realised I carry a lot of shame about eating....I don't ever eat anything in the street, like a burger or hot dog, not even an apple. I feel everyone's eyes are on me, saying " greedy cow, no wonder she's so fat". I feel like I can't ask for a lunch break for the same reason, after all a woman my size cant get hungry surely??

Having now heard that after the band it will take me about half and hour to digest my meals properly, I am worried that my job wont allow for this, I have to speak to my manager on Monday and explain the situation...I wonder how understanding she and my work colleges will be?
I have all ready experience from others what I consider to be a form of discrimination regarding this procedure: I have to have about 2-3 weeks off post op to recover, I naturally assumed that I would simply be signed off sick from work after the op, not fit to work until I had recovered. At this point some people questioned this, saying it was an elective procedure, therefore I should take the time off as holiday! Well I thought that unfair, after all if I pushed for it, I'd get the op on the NHS, would they expect me to have my recovery as holiday then?? what if it was knee op I was paying for, again would I have to use annual leave for that?? in fact even personnel at first said yes, I must take it as holiday!! but changed their tack once they realised it was NOT a cosmetic procedure.

So now I have to discuss the issue of having a lunch break... I'm sure my boss will be fine and she has been very good to me so far...we will see.

So seeing the Dietitian has all ready opened a can of worms, this procedure is more than just simple gastric band, its an examination and alteration of every aspect of my life.

BBQ's

BBQs. Tons of cooked meat, coleslaw and bread products, washed down with cider..mmmmmm getting together with family and friends to enjoy a BBQ during one of the few sunny (ish) days of the year has always been a highlight of summer for me. Then it struck me this weekend (mid burger), I wont be able to enjoy this any more after my op. What defines my experience will no longer be mountains of food and drink, I will no longer be able to enjoy a long leisurely food fest...my life will change in more than a physical sense.Gulp!

The husband also pointed out that not only will I need to re-evaluate my mind set and how I view food in a social context, but so will family and friends.
Gone will be the days of others egging me on to eat, " You've hardly eaten anything...What do you mean 3 sausages, 2 burgers and a jacket potato are enough? , you must eat more, just another sausage?"
I think that it will be very interesting to see how others respond to my new way of eating once the op is over. Having done Lighterlife some years ago, I found that people were quite willing to scupper my efforts at the drop of a hat, offering a cup of tea and a cake, whilst knowing I couldn't eat anything.
Why this happens can, I believe be put into two trains of thought: Eating for many of us is such a social past time that people feel rude if they don't offer sustenance of some variety,hence the need to offer food with a drink.
The other is that some people don't like change and they especially don't like others to change. The status quo is fine by them and anyone who steps outside their designated pigeon hole is rocking the boat.
In loosing weight and changing my physical shape and mental attitude to food, I discovered during lighterlife that some people found it hard to adapt to my change of role, no longer the greedy one who could always be relied on to finish left overs, no longer the fat one who couldn't buy nice clothes and look good on nights out and no longer the one against whom you can feel superior, they didn't like my changing, so sabotage of the diet was undertaken, all be it unconsciously.

So with this in mind, I've been thinking what will people do when I have no choice but to stick to eating from a tea cup? what will they do when I really can't eat that other sausage? will they accept it, or push it? and what will next summers BBQs be like? It's hard to imagine eating very little and feeling full up, but that's the plan...the real difficulty is going to be getting my brain to stop me eating when my stomach says NO...now that's gonna be the trick of it!

Eating from a tea cup

So, after much thought, I have plucked up the courage to book an appointment with a fat doctor-he is not fat, his specialty is and after seeing how much this little adventure is going to cost...I'm, thinking his wallet can't be on the trim side either!

Most of this type of surgery costs between £5 and £8K here in the UK. Some people have travelled abroad to France and Prague to get it done, but working in the field so to speak, I want access to a good local surgeon and a local follow up team that can support me after the event. Pre and post operative care is as important as the surgery itself and never cut costs on getting a good all round package, especially on anaesthetists fee's. Yes, the surgeon needs to be tip top, but he's only one part of the picture and the anaesthetist is the one who will keep you alive, asleep and comfortable during the op!

Having decided where I want to go, I booked the appointment. The Husband has never wanted me to have this op, he is worried for my well being, but has come to realise that though this is a drastic decision and bears inherent risk, its something I need to do today to live longer tomorrow.
So he's coming to see the fat doctor with me, and I'm glad, because I will need all his help and support before and after the operation.

We turn up at the rather well thought of private hospital and book in. Everyone is teeth and smiles, nice decor and free hot drinks, so quite removed from the NHS hospital I work at.

The fat Dr calls me in after about a 10 minute wait...(I could get used to this private treatment thing) He explains the different types of surgery available, none of them sound appealing and all carry a greater or lesser degree of risk. We have both decided that the band is my way forward, based on my BMI and life style, so he talks more about this procedure in depth.
All the details of what they do during the op can be found on any number of websites, though one of the most informative is BOSPA, so get googling...

The upshot of all this is that I will be able to eat a fraction of what I can eat now...and considering what I can eat now could conceivably constitute the diet of a small third world country, I'm keen to know how much less I will be able to pack away.

A Tea cup.

About the size of a tea cup of food for one meal, this sounds incredible, my appetite right now is so big that often is the time I am still hungry and everyone else is rolling on the floor holding their tummies and groaning. Me- I'm normally just warming up!

So a tea cup eh? mmmmmmmm can I fit a Mars bar in a tea cup?

Hmmmmmmmmmm

I AM FAT, lets not beat around the bush here, with statistics like mine there's no denying it...I am fat!
I'm also unhappy.
Society has a certain image of fat people, you are either fat and lazy or fat and jolly, which one am I? well I suppose I'm fat and jolly-on the outside, but inside, I'm fat and unhappy, fat and tired, fat and many other things, but not jolly.

Having been a 'big girl' all my adult life, I have tried every diet, or weight loss pill, programme or potion out there. One in particular 'Lighterlife' worked a treat, I lost 6 stone in as many months.... I also nearly lost my husband. I had grown so miserable and unsociable that I had lost 'me', not to mention the fact that such rapid weight loss lead to me needing urgent surgery for gallstones caused by my shrinking so fast.

5 years on, I now weigh 2 stones more than when I started Lighterlife and find loosing weight even more ( if it is possible) difficult to achieve. I also have PCOS, which has come as no great surprise, but which does explain why shifting the bulge is so damn difficult!

I've been thinking long and hard about life, what I want, don't want, and where I want to be 5 or 10 years from now...I want to live, enjoy living and not carry the weight of my sister in law around on my back any more. My feet and knees are shot, my blood pressure is creeping up and I look about 10 years older than I am whilst feeling at least 20 years older..on a good day!

So what am I gonna do???

Well, working in medicine, I have a pretty good grasp of whats what in terms of weight loss surgery, I've done my research, I've looked at the BOSPA web site and I've read every detail of Fern Brittons story in any old tat mag going, so I now feel ready to seek professional surgical help with battling my demon weight issue...I'm taking the plunge...I'm seeking a gastric band!