128.8kg! its still A LOT, but its less than I have weighed in at least a year....so the ole pre op diet is working.
I've been following the dietitians menu for 2 weeks, at times its been tough but I have a week and 3 days to go until the big day, so I'm sticking firm.
I had my MRSA swabs taken before my pre-op assessment and felt great relief that they came back negative. Working in health care I am at a greater risk of carrying this bug and it would be one of the only things to stop me getting my surgery, but it's clear. One less hurdle to cross.
I have pre-op assessment this week and am on annual leave from work as of next week, the op is the 11th, so not long to go now, the real count down has begun!
Sunday, 31 August 2008
Wednesday, 20 August 2008
The beginning
On Monday I started my pre op diet. I weighed myself and weighed in at 132.2kg which means that since I started this journey I have lost a few pounds however I looked at the scales and thought 'this is it, all things being well, I will never see that weight again'.
That was a very powerful feeling.
When I sit and think about the future, it is scary and exciting in equal measure. I have fear about the operation of course but I also have fear of change.
Being fat is what I am, it's who I am and has been my whole life, being fat defines me, how I react to others and how others react to me. The easy path is to stay as I am, to stay fat and in my comfort zone, the hard path is to loose weight and change everything....
That was a very powerful feeling.
When I sit and think about the future, it is scary and exciting in equal measure. I have fear about the operation of course but I also have fear of change.
Being fat is what I am, it's who I am and has been my whole life, being fat defines me, how I react to others and how others react to me. The easy path is to stay as I am, to stay fat and in my comfort zone, the hard path is to loose weight and change everything....
Saturday, 16 August 2008
Count down
I'm now on a count down!
Yesterday I got my confirmation in the mail that I'm having my op in a little under 4 weeks, so I'm counting down.
I've been to the chemist and bought my antiseptic wash and mouthwash, ready to scrub away any possible MRSA bugs that I may have lurking, as I don't want to get to my pre assessment swabs and be told I can't have the op cos I have the bug!
The Husband is off shopping tomorrow, with my pre op diet in hand to prepare for the low fat, low carb diet my nice antipodean dietitian has prescribed.
So I'm feeling quite positive and just a tiny bit petrified!
The thought of what happens after the op and how I'm going to feel is so way beyond where my brain can go right now, that when people ask " are you excited?" I find it hard to say yes.
I'm not excited about having an operation, having a general anaesthetic and spending a few weeks sore and recovering! I'm also not excited that I have to re-learn how and what to eat, that I have to remember to sip water slowly and at some point will have to stop drinking any fluid when I eat...it's going to be hard.
What I am excited about is my long term future and all the possibilities this surgery will open up for me....the chance to have a family, being less likely to need hip and knee replacements in the next 10 years, enjoying holidays and spending time with my family and friends without fear of being in places that are not fat friendly!
Simply being able to live my life and enjoy my life will give me all the excitement I need.
Yesterday I got my confirmation in the mail that I'm having my op in a little under 4 weeks, so I'm counting down.
I've been to the chemist and bought my antiseptic wash and mouthwash, ready to scrub away any possible MRSA bugs that I may have lurking, as I don't want to get to my pre assessment swabs and be told I can't have the op cos I have the bug!
The Husband is off shopping tomorrow, with my pre op diet in hand to prepare for the low fat, low carb diet my nice antipodean dietitian has prescribed.
So I'm feeling quite positive and just a tiny bit petrified!
The thought of what happens after the op and how I'm going to feel is so way beyond where my brain can go right now, that when people ask " are you excited?" I find it hard to say yes.
I'm not excited about having an operation, having a general anaesthetic and spending a few weeks sore and recovering! I'm also not excited that I have to re-learn how and what to eat, that I have to remember to sip water slowly and at some point will have to stop drinking any fluid when I eat...it's going to be hard.
What I am excited about is my long term future and all the possibilities this surgery will open up for me....the chance to have a family, being less likely to need hip and knee replacements in the next 10 years, enjoying holidays and spending time with my family and friends without fear of being in places that are not fat friendly!
Simply being able to live my life and enjoy my life will give me all the excitement I need.
Sunday, 10 August 2008
Bored
I am bored. What an admission for a grown woman to make and one that brings to mind a stroppy teenager with floppy hair, spots and attitude!
But there it is, I am bored.
The bottom line of this boredom is that I am eating and eating and eating, mostly anything I can get my hands on...so as you can imagine, this is not good for the diet and does not bode well for post op when eating cos I'm bored is not an option.
What am I going to do then???
Its not like my life isn't full of stuff like work, work and oh yeah, work. Be it paid work or housework I seem to work and sleep, eat and work and sleep. Its hum drum and dull.
So what am I doing about it? well not a lot at the moment only moaning a lot to anyone willing to listen..i.e. you and the husband mostly, but I am thinking about doing something about it, and I guess that's a positive step?
I don't do much outside of work because I'm scared. Scared of new places, places that are not safe, that I don't know, that may not be 'fat friendly'. I'm scared of new people, people who will judge me, criticize me and make me feel bad. My self confidence is at an all time low and the result is that I am becoming insular, one dimensional and bored.
I am thinking about my future life, how I might feel and hoping that along with dropping weight, I will gain in confidence and find the strength to go out into the world and do stuff, see stuff and experience a bit of life, that doesn't involve hiding behind the husband or relying on old and trusted friends!
The possibilities are endless, but the truth is, that here and now, they also seem far, far away.
So in a bid to pull myself from this slump, I'm going to surf the web for local groups that I think may interest me and even if I cant find the courage to join any of them today, I'll keep them in my favourites until I do!
But there it is, I am bored.
The bottom line of this boredom is that I am eating and eating and eating, mostly anything I can get my hands on...so as you can imagine, this is not good for the diet and does not bode well for post op when eating cos I'm bored is not an option.
What am I going to do then???
Its not like my life isn't full of stuff like work, work and oh yeah, work. Be it paid work or housework I seem to work and sleep, eat and work and sleep. Its hum drum and dull.
So what am I doing about it? well not a lot at the moment only moaning a lot to anyone willing to listen..i.e. you and the husband mostly, but I am thinking about doing something about it, and I guess that's a positive step?
I don't do much outside of work because I'm scared. Scared of new places, places that are not safe, that I don't know, that may not be 'fat friendly'. I'm scared of new people, people who will judge me, criticize me and make me feel bad. My self confidence is at an all time low and the result is that I am becoming insular, one dimensional and bored.
I am thinking about my future life, how I might feel and hoping that along with dropping weight, I will gain in confidence and find the strength to go out into the world and do stuff, see stuff and experience a bit of life, that doesn't involve hiding behind the husband or relying on old and trusted friends!
The possibilities are endless, but the truth is, that here and now, they also seem far, far away.
So in a bid to pull myself from this slump, I'm going to surf the web for local groups that I think may interest me and even if I cant find the courage to join any of them today, I'll keep them in my favourites until I do!
Sunday, 3 August 2008
Mourning
Sounds dramatic I know, but in a way I'm facing the loss of an old friend, a good and reliable friend, but also a somewhat septic, insidious friend, who is always there for you in the tough times or the good times, but one who brings you down, undermines your confidence and slowly, slowly takes over your life......Food.
Whilst walking to work the other day, it suddenly occurred to me that very shortly I will be without this mainstay, my bolt hole on a bad day, my comfort blanket and I felt bereft!
I was shocked at this revelation, I have been thinking just how much food and eating means to me, and whilst I wont be giving up food forever (!!) the change in my diet, the way I eat and how, when and where is going to be huge. Can I cope? that's my main worry right now.
I know that if I fail to stick with my eating plan before the op, I'm putting myself in a lot of danger, having an enlarged liver to shift out the way is not fun for any surgeon fitting a band.
But after? I've been told if I don't stick with the plan, the band is more likely to slip, causing problems....therefore I'm aiming to stay on the straight and narrow.
So I'm going to be losing my two faced friend, thinking about it though, will that be such a bad thing after all??
No more dancing to her tune, no more being controlled by this domineering entity with its siren call when you're feeling down....in fact, cutting loose from this mistress of want and living a life not dominated by her could well be very liberating indeed...
I will dance my own dance and control my own destiny with out the 'help' of my old friend and what exciting prospects lay ahead?? well I guess that's half the adventure, finding ways to cast her aside will be fun and entertaining...at least that's the plan!
Whilst walking to work the other day, it suddenly occurred to me that very shortly I will be without this mainstay, my bolt hole on a bad day, my comfort blanket and I felt bereft!
I was shocked at this revelation, I have been thinking just how much food and eating means to me, and whilst I wont be giving up food forever (!!) the change in my diet, the way I eat and how, when and where is going to be huge. Can I cope? that's my main worry right now.
I know that if I fail to stick with my eating plan before the op, I'm putting myself in a lot of danger, having an enlarged liver to shift out the way is not fun for any surgeon fitting a band.
But after? I've been told if I don't stick with the plan, the band is more likely to slip, causing problems....therefore I'm aiming to stay on the straight and narrow.
So I'm going to be losing my two faced friend, thinking about it though, will that be such a bad thing after all??
No more dancing to her tune, no more being controlled by this domineering entity with its siren call when you're feeling down....in fact, cutting loose from this mistress of want and living a life not dominated by her could well be very liberating indeed...
I will dance my own dance and control my own destiny with out the 'help' of my old friend and what exciting prospects lay ahead?? well I guess that's half the adventure, finding ways to cast her aside will be fun and entertaining...at least that's the plan!
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